"That's the question. It's the most important question we have: What is dead? What is alive? You can take all the other sh*t that we're dealing with including all the problems and throw them out the f%$king window. Because that's the basic question and we f%$king refuse to deal with it. And I'm sick of it! You have to argue it every f%$king day. There's an argument that takes place about it. WELL F%$KING FIGURE IT OUT!!! And I don't care if it means we should bring the whole country to a halt and we go back to home room again by alphabetical order. And you sit down and discuss it. Because this is bull s$%t! Or you assign a whole group of people from all walks of life and you send them off to tell us what's dead or alive. AND IF THEY DON'T FIGURE IT OUT WE'RE GOING TO KILL EM!!!"
- Louis Black, Live from Carnegie Hall

"I'll tell you some thing I know. Frozen embryos? GUESS WHAT?!!! THEY'RE NOT ALIVE!!! AT ALL!!!! THEY'RE FROZEN!!! THEY'RE FROZEN!!! THEY'RE FROZEN!!! THEY ARE FROZEN!!!! They're frozen!! It's not a question. It's not up for f@%$king discussion. You all know that f&@%king idiot in the White House saying, 'Well, no...' THEY ARE NOT ALIVE! A$$HOLE!! YOU CAN DEFROST ONE LIKE A MINI PIZZA!!! IT'S STILL NOT ALIVE!!!! It has the potential for life. That's what it has!!! Otherwise, it's a mini pizza. If frozen embryos are alive, we should assign national guard troops to go to every grocery store and stand in front of the frozen foods - screaming, 'BACK OFF!! BACK OFF!!! THE CLAM STRIPS COULD COME BACK TO LIFE!!!!"
- Louis Black, Live from Carnegie Hall

"There are Jews in the world. There are Buddhists. There are Hindus and Mormons, and then there are those that follow Mohammed, but I've never been one of them. I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before I was born, and the one thing they say about Catholics is: They'll take you as soon as you're warm. You don't have to be a six-footer. You don't have to have a great brain. You don't have to have any clothes on. You're a Catholic the moment Dad came. BECAUSE... Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. When a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irate."
- Monty Python, The Meaning of Life - (Award Winning) Every Sperm is Sacred

"I was a test tube baby. Mom was a test tube. Dad was an eye dropper. THE SCUM!!!"
- Mork from Ork (Robin Williams)

June 18, 2007

Let me tell you how my day began.

After the fifth consecutive night of getting only 2 hours sleep, as I seem to be suffering from a stress induced state of insomnia, I lay in my bed reminding myself that I seem to be completely unmarketable for the labor force. My wife, after getting herself ready for work (complete with shower and blow drying) reminded me that "everything will be okay" and left.

The phone rang. I answered slowly. It could be an interview.

The familiar voice at the other end trepidatiously said, "Someone egged your car last night." It was my wife calling from her cell phone from just outside the house.

Swell. Lovely. Juuuust perfect.

The thing that gets me wondering about whoever is in charge of this universe is when crap like this happens to me. It is completely purposeless and out of the ordinary. This is reason #516 of "Why I'm not a Catholic any longer." It seems that on Father's Day, some young abortion survivor decided to take his existential frustration out on me exclusively. I know it was on me exclusively because no other car was touched. What I can tell you is that I truly did nothing to deserve this. My wife and I keep to ourselves. I was gone for the majority of that day visiting my sister in Manasquan. My wife was home. I came back in the late afternoon and settled for the evening.

My wife and I keep to ourselves. We are the quiet neighbors that most people can borrow a cup of sugar from. Unlike our other neighbors from a few units down who are using primitive equipment for sonic warfare. Every day at around 3:PM our walls shake from this one kid's car sound system. I'm one Linkin Park CD away from calling the cops and a psychotic spree. I haven't yet but I feel I'm going to.

These are the times I remind myself of some of the basic lessons of Buddhism. While it's inconceivable to cover the entire earth with leather to prevent one from pricking one's toe, one does not have to so long as he has enough to cover the soles of his feet. The lesson being that while we can not change the actual reality of our situation we can certainly control our reaction to it. So it should be no mystery to anyone that if I ever catch the little S.O.B. who egged my car, I'll gleefully snap his neck with my bare hands. And I will laugh... and laugh ...and laugh. When I'm through laughing... I'll laugh some more. Oh and there will be blood... lots and lots of blood... copious amounts of it. Of course, the drive to the Meadowlands swamps will be a tad inconvenient, but one must dispose of the body.

Until then, I'm calm.

In talking about eggs and children, I am at today's topic: Pre-Born Children.

In this week's Economist (still the best publication for the money), there was an article on reproductive ethics. Now, "reproductive ethics" to me has always meant that a responsible male should always wear a condom and if he doesn't have a condom, she should have something. However, in this case, the Economist is talking about what to do with frozen fertilized embryos. The topic came up when a Louisiana couple had put away six frozen fertilized eggs and then the couple filed for divorce the next year without using the embryos. Of the six embryos, three are usable. The couple is in court fighting over who gets custody. No, I'm not kidding. The wife wants to use them, the husband wants them destroyed.

Christian and Catholic beliefs state that life begins from the moment of conception. This could cause a problem because it seems people aren't privy to the main source of the Christian recruitment drive and they have nothing better to do with their time. I ask this question, "Why would anyone wish to have their ex's child after a divorce?" Not for nothing, but I have had ex girl friends' left over paraphernalia in my apartment burned, torn up, and then buried - just to ensure that any of their residual evil would not infect my living space. Why would anyone wish to create a life from a bad union? It makes no sense.

Christian evangelical groups, like Nightlight Christian Adoption, have specialized in the adoption of these, and I can't make this up, Pre-Born Children. That's right, although this country has orphanages that are bursting at the seams, the welfare of some embryos that are no larger than 60-100 cells large have more rights. Excuse me for a moment, I have to commit a major Christian crime by disposing of a stray eyelash and a bitten off nail.

Trust me, that is what we are talking about. Especially when you consider that my eyelash or nail will still contain a complete DNA sequence of my body's blue print encoded within its cells.

The process of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) yields a number of blastocysts (tiny embryos) that are no larger than a hundred cells large. I want to settle this argument. Unless that group of cells stay in a woman's womb or get placed in a womb and survive a pregnancy, that embryo is not a child... heck, it's not even a fetus. It has no intelligence and may only be smarter than George W. Bush*.

I think what gets me about all of this is not that these Christian groups are fighting for what they believe in. No, that's okay but... "Pre-Born Children?" What kind of a mentality could come up with that concept? The reality of the situation is that these "Pre-Born Children" have more in common with the "sea monkeys" (brine shrimp) you can order via mail than with actual human beings. Except with sea monkeys all you have to do is "just add water".**

However, since we're all friends here, let's have some fun with this.

Okay, frozen fertilized embryos are "Pre-Born Children". This makes children "Pre-Pituitaried Adults". How about we get them to start filling out taxes? I'm sure they can get a good write off for diapers and binkys. And watch out, Moms. Those play dates you set up for your kids could evolve into something dirty. After all, once that pituitary gland starts up, you'll be in a lot of trouble. Send little Molly and Chuck out into the workforce, don't be afraid that little things like walking, reading, and thinking will hold them back. They are just a few pituitary squirts away from adulthood.

Why not take this a step further? Won't this make adults, "Pre-Geriatric Seniors"? I think since that's really the case, we should be able to get an advance on our social security checks. After all, since we can probably be counted as seniors we should also get some breaks on buses and on movie tickets. And all of us "Pre-Geriatric Adults" can take advantage of our stronger states by actually getting a chance to use some of the senior enefits while we're still strong enough to enjoy them. Why should we do the work when all of those "Pre-Pituitary Adults" are running around on the loose?

However, we should watch out. Our seniors aren't seniors anymore. They are actually "Pre-Dead Corpses". As "Pre-Dead Corpses", they should be driven around in a black car and left out in a nice cemetery to enjoy the view. A "Pre-Dead Corpse" will actually get to hear all of the nice things that people say about dead people, except they are still able to hear them. "Pre-Dead Corpses" will be able sleep longer and get flowers at a discounted price because they should be able to enjoy the smell of them while they can. A "Pre-Dead Corpse" should also be able to access his own life insurance annuity, after all, they paid into it, why shouldn't they enjoy it. Especially when they have all of those "Pre-Geriatric Seniors" waiting for the loot.

Can we see how ridiculous some of these groups have become? By allowing a naming convention of Pre-Born Children, we allow an inference that a clump of cells is sentient and aware of its environment. The bill of goods being sold is that there is some kind of ethical consequence to the disposal of non sentient cells. In order to feel pain, one must have a nervous system. In order to see and hear, one must have eyes and ears. In order to think, one must have a brain. In order to live, one must have a heart. None of these signs of life exist in "Pre-Born Children".

All of you who do not agree with me, can you remember the time you had in the womb? Or 20 seconds after you became a blastocyst?

I rest my case.

*- Sorry, I couldn't let a rant go without at least one shot to our "Idiot and Chief"

**- I suddenly had a revelation about a specific South Park episode, "The Simpson's did it" and Matt and Trey never do anything by accident. The plot about the sea monkeys and the sperm correlated perfectly. When you add the part about the "sea society" turning to God worship and blowing themselves up, the message is clear.