"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
- Murphy's Law

"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."
- Murphy's Law #2

"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."
- Murphy's Law #3

"When I was young, just a bad little kid, my mama noticed funny things I did... Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun! I'd poison guppies and when I was done-- I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head That's when my mama said-!"
"What did she say?"
"She said, 'My boy I think someday, You'll find a way, To make your natural tendencies pay-- You'll be a dentist!! You have a talent for causing things pain!! Son, be a dentist! People will pay you to be inhumane!'"
- Steve Martin (and back up singers) in Little Shop of Horrors

"Is it safe?"
- Laurence Olivier in Marathon Man

September 24th, 2003

Vacations never go right.

Never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, never do they go anywhere near to what I envision a time of complete rest and relaxation should be like. Even my most recent stay at a hospital was frought with problems (I'll get to that some other time) and has forced me to redefine my own personal definition of Hell.

I am on vacation as I write this piece and I tell you Murphy's Law is in full force.

My vacation began on Friday night after a month long period of mental and physical anguish. I had carefully planned my time off to not interfere with any major releases months ago. My wife and I were finally going to have a week together just to relax. I have much more vacation time than she does and actually planning time together is an event. Couple this with anytime I wish to take any time off, it usually has to be an entire week. This isn't because of my company's policy of vacation scheduling but because of a phenomen I like to call "shifting release" dates.

Let me tell you what a shifting release date is and why it sucks. One of the Grand Poobahs of my company will say, "We need this project completed by X date and this is not subject to negotiation." Our project management team will either say, "Sure, no problem" or "That's impossible". Project Management does their best to make a reasonable time frame based on estimates from 3 sources: Development, QA, and User Acceptance groups. The first two groups will tend to padd their estimate a little bit. This is based on the experience of knowing that it is better to overestimate than to underestimate their time. Star Trek's Scotty's axiom of quadrupling his estimate to do a job in one fourth the time is not far from the truth. My company's manpower resources are unstable either through layoffs or through just overwhelming workload. Overwhelming workload means that instead of spending 100% of the time doing said project one dedicates 25% to 4 projects in the same time period. This balances with the insane amount of pointless meetings that Development and QA must attend instead of working. Normally, the meetings are about why we haven't been working on our projects. The answer is usually because we've been in meetings all day.

So, what happens? Development completes on time. QA completes on time. User Acceptance, who doesn't understand about padding estimates, needs more time. Because the User Acceptance Group is not part of our department and works for the client, there is nothing our department can do to prod them to work faster. This is Murphy's Law in business practice. This is the one thing that can go wrong and usually does.

The problem is that since User Acceptance happens at the end of the project and because they have the final say on the release, we can not finish the project until they say it's done. This means that X date becomes X+7 date or X+14 date. This is called "pushing a release". When a release is pushed enough times the client gets sick of hearing excuses and blames Project Management. Project Management will either recognize where the problem is coming from or blame QA and Development.

It all depends on who the project manager is and who the client and his users are.

Now the project I've been working on is for a cost transparency application. I won't go into the details of this project but it's been a mess from day one. I inherited this headache from a guy who got lucky and was laid off. He had none of the problems that I have. First off, the developer of this project worked close by him and the systems the developer was working with were somewhat reliable. I got the project when my company decided that this would be a great proving ground for offshore development (India) AND that we migrate our front end operating system from MS Windows 2000 Server to Z-Linux AND that the report software go to an out of house vendor. While these factors by themselves are somewhat problematic, they are not insurmoutable. Put em all together and you get a nightmare.

There were other problems that were data related but I digress. Murphy's Law #2 (See above) was in full force. Coupled with the fact that even after I got my hands on it for the last release, the users were nowhere near as forgiving as I was - and I'm not that forgiving. Build 1 of One Bill turned into Build 2, and then Build 3. That was when it was decided that the obvious environment problems would not allow this project to release on time. Pretty soon a proposed Build 7 was in the works.

My vacation was based on one absolute quote: This project can not be pushed. Upper management said this with big bold red letters in neon with an underline. It was our department's most important and most high profile project and it could not be pushed. I figured after it was over I'd need a rest. It could not be pushed. I made my vacation for September 20th - right after the release.

So, what happened? It was pushed. Date X (Sept 19) shifted to Date X+14 (Oct 3). I now would miss a crucial week of QA and that also meant that I had to train my boss to cover for me for that week. This wasn't fun and even with the week of vacation, I would not be able to relax.

I came home on the 19th with a hollow-needing-rest feeling. I was officially on vacation. I decided that since I was on vacation, I'd broil myself a steak and relax while watching the Yankee game with my wife. The steak caught on fire twice which wasn't a real problem because I like it well done. I poured myself a large glass of Crystal Light iced tea (with ice) and ate my South Beach Diet* approved steak.

The first bite sent painful jolt on my upper left canine molar that kept me fully at alert for an hour.

"Um, Honey,.... this is weird."
"What's weird?"
"I bit on my steak and it hurt like Hell."
"Is it hot or did you let it cool down?"
"Well, it's not really hot, but it's not cold."
"Hmmmmmm, that's bad."
"It's probably nothing."
"If you say so."

I chewed the rest of the steak on my right side. The pain for the first bite still echoed on my lower jaw as well. My witchy wife gave me a clove to chew on. Later on that night, I brushed my teeth with Sensodyne and went to bed. I was on vacation. Nothing could spoil it now.

I awoke somewhat early on Saturday morning as my body was still on work time. Since I started the South Beach Diet plan**, I've been making eggs for both myself and my wife. Usually, during a work week, I'll get up a half hour early and make breakfast and lunch. This has proved to be a healthy and cost effective choice for the two of us. I don't spend as much money during the week and I get to lose weight quickly.

I put the warm scrambled eggs with fat free cheese and onions in my mouth and screamed.

This was not happening. I was on vacation. I worked hard for this vacation. This was not happening. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING!!!***

My wife came downstairs.

"Um, Honey†,... we have a problem."
"What is it?"
"My tooth. It hurt with - not hot - but warm eggs. You know what that means."
"No... I DON'T WANNA!"
"Honey††, I have to see a dentist."
"BUT I'M ON VACATION!!!!"
"Okay, you knew what the problem was last night. What is it?"
Begrudingly, she said, "You're probably going to need a root canal."

Murphy's Law #3 (See above).

And my wife did know the symptoms of a probable root canal. My wife is the office manager for Doctors Gordon & Miller, DDS. of Freehold. Rob and Jay, respectively, are excellent dentists and perform cosmetic work as well as most dental procedures short of oral surgery†††. When a patient feels sensitivity with cold, it's a transient thing. When a patient feels pain with heat, it's serious. A quick cell phone call from my wife to Jay and I was squeezed into an already overbooked Saturday morning.

My wife's coworkers asked her what she was doing in. She replied, "It's Bubble Boy... again."‡
"What this time?"
"His tooth. He probably needs a root canal."

A root canal. A nice loong root canal. Not unlike the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors, I believe that even the best of dentists must attend a class in dentistry school called Sadistic Things To Do To A Patient 101. You really either need to enjoy this kind of work or see it for the necessary evil that it is. When diagnosing a root canal, a dentist has to be absolutely sure you actually need one. First Jay took a small hammer and tapped on each tooth to see if there was more of a reaction with the bad tooth as opposed to the teeth next to it.

I had a small reaction. It was a little painful.

He asked my wife to get some ice. She did. He touched each tooth around the bad one with a small piece of ice. I felt some pain when he got to the tooth next to the bad one. When he touched the tooth in question with the ice cube I gave a short, but loud, scream.

Yup, root canal.

Jay had to perform this in two parts. Fortunately, he said that I got to him in time and there wasn't much blood. The nerve was dying anyway. The next part was on Monday.

This root canal set the tone for the rest of the week. Sunday night, after I cleaned my mother's nursery school, my wife and I had to go to my parents house to celebrate my father's birthday. I love my parents and I love spending time with them so long as I can steer them away from any of the following subjects: When are you two having a baby?; When was the last time you went to Church; and Children (in general). And my wife and I like to spend time with my parents on occasion with one proviso - that the rest of the family isn't there.

Having dinner with my sisters is a test. I have three sisters. Two of which belong in the opening scene of MacBeth‡‡. Most of the family functions I have to go to involve me being with my sisters. I have successfully avoided any vacation with my sisters since I was 18 or 19. The test, in most cases, is to make it through the evening without committing homicide. Or if I have to commit homicide - to successfully hide the body or bodies without the authorities even suspecting where I've hidden them. I recommend the Meadowlands in North Jersey.

While still on the South Beach Diet Plan, I was trying to avoid foods that I couldn't eat. To summarize, I can't have white bread, pasta, sugar, white rice, most baked goods (using processed flour), carrots, beets, beer, white wine, and/or potatoes. My middle sister pointed out that I could never last on an Atkins like diet because it would never work. Eventually, I'd slip. Bear in mind, my sister knows nothing of the South Beach Diet and she ASS-U-ME'd it was just like the Atkins plan. Also bear in mind, that my wife and I have successfully lost weight on this. My brother-in-law ended the most probable blood bath by saying, "I wish you success on it."

For the last couple of days, my wife and I have been enjoying a good laugh on her when either we step on the scale or can get into an old pair of pants that were too small. This is followed up with "It'll never work."

A good thing to come out of the dinner was the substitution of the older sister's boyfriend with my niece's father. My brother-in-law coined the term "Cretin" for the old boyfriend and would not allow him in his house. This year's slogan was "Cretin Free in 2003". My wife had always felt uncomfortable around the Cretin because of the way he looked and acted. She felt best never being alone or next to him at any time. I hadn't seen him since his arrest warrant from California came through and my sister broke up with him. Apparently, while not killing someone, he managed to cripple him. How charming. He apparently is sponging off of some other woman now and will be marrying her shortly. I understand she's a cretinette.

The less said about Monday the better. I'll only say that since the second part of the root canal, I feel much better. Jay dropped an e-mail asking how I was. That's the mark of a good doctor.

Murphy's Law in all of its forms can be summarized as "Anything that can go wrong - will". I've had experience in trying to take all kinds of precautions in every problematic situation and have had them blow up in my face. Some problems can't be avoided. Others are happily dodged. Sibings are accidents that you just can't avoid and are stuck with them. There is nothing you can do to dodge that bullet. Jobs are subject to the market and what you are going to accept in regard to compensation. Always remember that the screwing you get better be worth the screwing you get. All you can really do is make the best of the job situation you are in, what you have as family, or endure it like a root canal. But one thing is for certain.

If Murphy's Law is indeed a law, it ought to be repealed.

* - I started on this diet recently, and it works well. I think I've lost close to 20 lbs in the last month. More on that at another time.

** - It really is a good diet. Where Atkins works well for us carnivores, the South Beach Diet allows more veggie friendly dishes for my wife. Find out if it is right for you by visiting their site or buy the book like I did.

*** - This was happening.

† - Usually said in a pleading hesitant tone when I know it will involve her doing something work related on a vacation day.

†† - Even moreso.

††† - I'll be designing the site, myself, soon enough.

‡ - Okay, I deserved that one. Within the last month, I've had surgery on my arm which made it swell up to twice its size. Days after that I got what my Podiatrist called Cuboid Syndrome in my left foot. Which was essentially a muscle spasm that was so violent it dislocated the cuboid bone from my foot. That kept me on a cane for two days. After I got off of the cane, a couple of days later, I was running down a flight of subway stairs and fell head over heals down the last 5 or 6 stairs. I landed on the arm I had surgery on and did a right shoulder roll on to my feet while still making the train before the door closed. My brother, Michael, helped me with the bruised shoulder later. Also, I apparently had a bad reaction to the Percoset pain reliever that made me break out on my forehead. And the cherry on the sundae was an eye cyst that was on the lid of my eye. Bubble Boy is a name well earned. Normally, I'd start drinking but the South Beach Diet does not allow beer.

‡‡ - "Fair is foul and foul is fair - all through the night and the dusty air", "Double Bubble boil and trouble..." I'd call them witches but witches get a bad rap as it is. Only my sister, Laura, is exempt from this.