"Whatever happened to the old bank? It was beautiful!"
"It kept getting robbed."
"It's a small price to pay for beauty."
- Butch Cassidy to the bank guard from Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid

"One man's trash is another man's treasure"
- Alexandra Van Dongen

"One can maximize positive energy, or qi (pronounced chi), by altering spacial relationships and other aesthetic elements in a home or workplace. The effects can either enhance or negate qi, having a profound influence on one's finances, health, happiness and relationships, according to this belief. "
- A Principle of Feng Shui

September 2nd, 2004

MARRIED MEN! Before you spend another dime on your wife, read this article.

I'm sorry, that actually came out a bit harsher than I intended. I really don't want to have a score of angry wives beat down my door and demand restitution. No, no, that's not what I want at all. However, in order to produce a sense of harmony and balance and, heaven help me, you guys save a buck or two and get an early Christmas, listen to what I have to say.

Clean your closets and storage spaces.

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the hell is Vikar babbling about this time?!! And how can that save me money?" Well, I'll tell you. Hidden in your closet and storage spaces is a treasure trove of unused, untouched, stuff. I'll bet my pinky toe on it. What you find in there will not only prove to be profitable but educational as well.

I'm in the middle of a purging process. I've been doing some very late spring cleaning and thought it would be a great idea to make a list of all the things that have to be done around the house. I created a list within Excel as to what the task is, where it has to be done, how long it should take, task priority, what substeps must be done to accomplish this task, and what the probable cost incurred would be. I made about 50 projects that MUST BE DONE and decided for sanity's sake to stop there.

Now, doing this list in Excel was an idea that I borrowed from one of the managers at the company, Sharmi Das, who with a similar cleaning goal said it really worked. As I am very comfortable with Excel and don't own MS Project at home, Excel would be the computer tool of choice. The neat thing about Excel is that you can sort through your spreadsheet and create prerequisites for other jobs. There is a reason why Ms Das* is a manager at my company. Moments of brilliance happen to her frequently. As for me, I usually have to consult a lunar cycle and see when the moon is blue.

The one job that I knew would have to be done before all of the other ones was to clean the storage spaces. After all, if I were to clean the other rooms, where would I put the excess? I had estimated the amount of time to clean out the storage bin to be about half a day. I was dead wrong. This job, compiled with cleaning the master bedroom closet (which is supposed to be a walk in closet. I haven't been able to walk into it in years.) is still being done as of this writing.

I went out to Home Depot and bought plastic storage units. Five "gigantic" and five "large" with two "under the bed" containers (which did not go over well with Guinness as his favorite sleeping place is under the bed.) set me back a little over a hundred bucks. The plan was to find all summer stuff, winter stuff, spring stuff and fall stuff - sort em out, pack em up, put em back - less good will and garbage. I kidnapped my wife into helping me on this. As we were both off this week, I figured something productive would be good for our mental well being.

Well, that's what I thought anyway.

However, there's a lot to be found in this "secret chamber". The first thing I did when I started to clean the storage bin was empty half of it. That was easy as all I had to do was open the door. Four garbage bags of old clothes tumbled out of the storage doorway and hit me on the head. Lazy me - I started putting things into the bin and did the old "close the door quickly before the avalanche starts" move. The pile of bags was about two feet above my head. To be safer and to get "a head" of the game, I decided to empty a few more bags as well on the floor.

And there I sat. The balconey looked like it was a "ground zero" site for a new al Qaida weapon designed to affect only clothes. Clothes were everywhere.

I grabbed a piece of balcony and some space to make piles. Pile A (on my right) was all clothes that were to be thrown out. Pile B (center) was all clothes we were going to keep. Pile C (left) was all the clothes that were going to good will.

The first thing that became painfully apparent was that much of the clothes I'd bought my wife from the time we were dating to the present were NEVER worn. The price tags were still on them. Ordinarily, this would be a good thing but things happen as time goes on and, well, my wife is no longer a size 2. One for pile C. I also found, much to my embarrassment and regret, many of my 32 inch waist jeans that I'm certain will never feel the back of my butt again did not fit as well. I softly whimpered on the balcony and tossed another for pile C. Maybe I'll see 34 again... someday. I'll begin the South Beach Diet again after Labor Day weekend. That at least will make me feel better.

The tragedy of going "storage spelunking" like this is that you come across old clothes that will never come back into style again as well as your partner's commentary of "I can't believe you actually wore that... in public." The 80's were a very misunderstood era. I'm certain very thin ties will come back into style in some other country but as for the here and now, well, Billy Idol concert T-shirts just aren't cool anymore.

Oh well, back to the "Love Shack".

There is also the inevitable finding a great piece of clothing that has been worn to death. Three molecules of cotton are all that hold the article in question together and with the help of a strong breeze, it will disintegrate to dust upon contact. Clothes like this behave very much the exact same way that good stable clean clothes don't. I found an old sweat shirt that had a lot of great memories in it that I was forced to chuck because I would be mistaken for one of the homeless if I wore it in public. Some people have suggested I use this for the next painting job I have in the house. I'm sorry, I'm an old sentimentalist and would rather see it thrown out than ruined by paint - then thrown out. One more for pile A. I wound up throwing away a white championship Yankee hat that had turned yellow, an Ocean Pacific shirt that had fit so well the fabric had memorized the shape of my back, and about 50 dress shirts that were now stained green under the armpits.

Don't ask. I don't know either.

Conversely, there were a lot of unworn clothes that my wife could still use - pile B and would save me a trip to the store when she would run low on jeans and such. BURIED TREASURE!!!!!

How do you know you've hit buried treasure with your significant other? Listen for the following phrases:

• I've been looking for that!!!!
• GREAT!!! I needed more (fill in the blank).
• I didn't think this would fit again but now...
• I'll use these for when I'm bloated.
• I had one of these?!!!
• When did you give me this??
• This will be perfect for that wedding next month!!

If you hear any of those sentences, you've made hours of work worthwhile. You've just done shopping and it has cost you exactly NOTHING! Zero! Zip! Zilch!! And not only did you not have to spend any money, you have just reminded your partner that you have been thoughtful, generous, and are willing to clean the house. HOW CAN YOU BEAT THAT??

Plus, here's another bonus - YOU JUST GOT RID OF CRAP THAT YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO USE ANYWAY!!! You have just created new space that you can put other stuff in that won't be cluttering up your house. And, if you do it well enough, come moving time, that's less you have pack.

This is a process that should never be ignored or put off for too long. Granted, there are a lot of clothing items that have personal memories attached to them. In our most recent closet spelunking we came across my wife's wedding gown. And even though we are not going to have kids, it's not something we are just going to throw out or give to good will. But those things are few and far between. Your memories will most likely always be with you. You can always take a picture of you in the questionable article of clothing and keep that. It's less space and you can keep the feeling inside.

There is, however, a Jim Morrison T-shirt that I'm pretty sure I'll never give up and still wear on occasion. Does it hold any nostalgia for me? Actually, very little - I just like the way it looks and I like the way it feels as well as the way I feel when I wear it. And the bottom line? That's what good clothes are for anyway. How you feel when you wear them. It's better than a bowl of chicken soup when you're sick.

But just like being sick, cleaning your closets and your storage bins is a purging. You are getting rid of all of the bad things that you have either out grown or don't use. There is definitely something soothing to the creation of space. A Buddhist would call it reaching a sense of "emptiness". It's sort of like a cancer operation. Remove all of the bad stuff that has a tendency to grow and keep all the good stuff that will be useful. Anything else is just waste and to a point, destructive.

While I was cleaning, I had to ask, "How many sweatshirts do I actually really need?" I couldn't help but think as well, if someone less fortunate than my wife and myself could do better with a new pair of jeans.

I get a great feeling now as I can walk into our "walk-in" closet and I know that somehow, somewhere, I've made a rabid Billy Idol fan very happy.

*- The nickname I have for Sharmi is Ms. Das to be said like "MS DOS". I am perpetually amazed by her technology acumen as well as her fiancé's, Anthony Skipper. Like my former manager, Mr. Wizard, there is a lot I can learn from these two.